Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
