You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
