Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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