Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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