How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
