I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
