so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Pants are for mortals
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
