I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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