some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
