so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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