i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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