sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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