it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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