he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
