The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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