I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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