I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
