69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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