This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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