And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
