I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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