he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
