Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
