I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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