Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
