So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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