So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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