i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
