You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
