dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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