I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize