he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
