lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
