My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
