Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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