Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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