I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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