I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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