I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dignity is for republicans.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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