We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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