i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
