my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
