I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
