I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
