Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
