Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
