I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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