Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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