DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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