you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
