Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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