were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
