the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
