why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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