Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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