I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
