Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
