I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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