You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
