Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
