I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
