My sheets look like a crime scene.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
COCAINE IS GR8
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize