if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
