i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
