i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
